DBT Self-Soothing for Men

I remember a rugged, outdoorsy-looking man in my DBT group staring at a list of self-soothing activities and scratching his head. “Um, I don’t see anything on here for guys,” he mumbled.

Sure enough, as I scanned the list myself, I saw suggestions such as “take a bubble bath, rub on some scented hand lotion, and sip tea from a pretty china teacup.”

While these activities aren’t necessarily gender specific, I did see his point. In twenty-five years of marriage, I’ve never once seen Fred neck deep in bubbles or reaching for lilac-scented lotion no matter how stressed he is. Yet men, just like women, benefit from creating sensations that help calm the body’s alert system.

So with that in mind, here are just a few things I’ve observed Fred do to unwind using the five senses.

Visual: He thumbs through his hobby magazines and admires the newest equipment and ideas. He plays a video game for 30 minutes or so. He watches America’s Funniest Home Videos. He goes to the hardware store and walks around and looks at stuff for a while. He reads the latest James Patterson novel.

Taste: He finds a spicy, exotic recipe and makes it for dinner. He goes to the farmer’s market or supermarket and tastes every free sample! He knows where all the bowls of hard candy are at his office. He makes pancakes.

Smell: He fires up the barbecue grill. He burns some wood in the outdoor stove. (He likes camping and this reminds him of peaceful times.) He has a favorite aftershave:  Pinaud© Clubman—it smells like his barber shop and a fresh haircut.

Touch: He puts on one his favorite, very well-worn flannel shirts. He pets the neighbors’ dogs. He exercises and notices the muscle sensations. He takes a hot shower. He holds my hand.

Hearing: He pops in his ear buds and listens to his favorite music on his IPod. He cranks up the volume and bass on the car radio. He listens to instructional videos of YouTube.

These are just a few ideas. The point is this. The ways in which I soothe myself are activities I’ve found that work for me. Similarly, Fred has discovered what works for him. What’s most important, I think, is to identify what works and to have a list and/or a collection of items that can quickly calm the brain when it’s over-aroused.

Looking back over what I just wrote, I’m  now thinking about tucking a Pinaud© scented cotton ball inside the little self-soothing kit I keep handy in my purse. Even though it’s a men’s cologne, it smells like Fred and that makes me feel safe. Do what works.