Doing it By Yourself

When German Anabaptists and Swiss Mennonites escaped religious persecution by sailing to America hundreds of years ago, most of them settled in the south central Pennsylvania region where there was plenty of good farmland. While I’m not Mennonite, several of my ancestors were, including those from Switzerland and Germany. So I grew up in a culture rich in Pennsylvania Deutsch/German ethics and values.

Here, people close their shops on Sundays because it’s the Christian Sabbath, eschew materialism, put God and family first, and, ironically, hang their laundry outside on clotheslines to dry—even in winter. I say ironically because this culture also prizes grit, backbone, and self-reliance. In other words, people are rarely willing, as this idiomatic phrase figuratively describes, to “air their laundry in public.”

That means, around here, the phrase “I can do it myself” reflects more than plucky self-confidence. It’s also a statement that perpetuates a commonly held belief that not only can you do it yourself, but you indeed should. And that includes “getting a grip,” “holding it together,” and “getting over it” during times of emotional distress.

However, as I’ve learned in DBT, this type of thinking often goes hand-in-hand with judging my emotions, which, in turn, leads to shame/hiding, attempting to alter my mood with substances (caffeine, alcohol, or sugar), fight or flight behavior, or withdrawing/shutting down. On the other hand, you can see by this chart, a DBT alternative is to allow my emotions to ebb, flow, and dissipate while acknowledging, noticing, and accepting the fact that I am experiencing them.

The key difference is that instead of “getting a grip” on myself, I am “loosening my hold” on my emotions as they come and go in my mind. I’m learning that without judging myself for feeling one way or another, I stand a much better chance of staying grounded, breathing mindfully while those feelings follow the “90 second rule” (see previous posts), and tolerating the distress instead of running from it or fighting with it.

Can I do this myself? Well, ultimately, how I respond to emotional distress is my choice. Be that as it may, I also rely on others, including  weekly encouragement, validation, and instruction from my DBT therapist. I also know I can call her for a “coaching” session over the phone. I reach out to others who are using these skills to heal from abuse and trauma. And I share my experiences on this blog, in person, and in a DBT-based social media group. So, no. I’m not growing and learning all by myself. But I believe even my Mennonite great-grandma would approve. After all, even “Pennsylvania Dutch” communities come together for collective practices such as “barn raising”—because some jobs are just too big to do alone. To me, that also includes tolerating emotional distress.